The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
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CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit