If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
You Might Also Like
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
a lot to unpack here
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Where is your GOD now????
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes