Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
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Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are