My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
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It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Am I having a stroke?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.