It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
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Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!