Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
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[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I’m sure it’s fine.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Noted.