I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
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Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
knights of the ikea table
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.