1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
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Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”