me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
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The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My dad.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…