I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
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Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks