wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
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get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.