10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
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Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again