Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
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aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
“How’s your day going?”
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I鈥檓 just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 馃槈
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Not today. 馃槄
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren鈥檛 supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.