Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
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This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Love this guy
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?