ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
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professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
lmao
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Unimpressed
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.