Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
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Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Sheep
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
This was a bad idea all around
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder