In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
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Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES