One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
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Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Well. That’s not a good sign.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
WTF
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series