Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
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I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking