Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
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The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.