People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
You Might Also Like
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Sorry not sorry.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww