Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank