Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
You Might Also Like
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Generation gap…
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band