So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
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Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”