Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
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uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Bike for sale
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Check out the legs on this baby
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch