My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
The old gods are rising again.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…