Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
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Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?