I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
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Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog