My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
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[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.