most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
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My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
We avoided this particular disaster
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively