Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
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[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.