why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
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It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee