Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
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When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Every work call, he judges.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.