When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
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[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die