[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
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Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Going to church you guys need anything
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
This dude got his own movie?
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.