Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
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Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please