Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
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Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place