Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
You Might Also Like
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Yes, but it was never about money
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.