[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
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i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?