I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
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The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid