My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
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My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Breakfast for Stoners:
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.