Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
You Might Also Like
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.