I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
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Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
No regrets in 2018
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”