I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
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Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Your honor these allegations are
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
water it, i dare you
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
My safe word is Worcestershire
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball