A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
You Might Also Like
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
yes… yes…
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle