My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
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[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Good morning
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
work smarter, not harder
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
do horses think humans are hats
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?