uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
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After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.