Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
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Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
need him
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.