Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
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dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”