Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
You Might Also Like
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
every single time
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
🚲+physics = winner
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?